Loneliness Is a Health Issue - Not a Personal Failure: Why Women Over 40 Need Connection Like Oxygen

Speaking from personal experience, I know now that loneliness doesn’t always look like being alone. Sometimes it looks like being busy. Responsible. Needed. Surrounded by people and still feeling unseen. Basically, invisible at times. It was a realization that came all at once for me. One minute, I was seen and noticed.  The next minute, I was not.  What was going on?

If you’ve felt this in midlife, please hear this clearly: nothing is wrong with you. Loneliness is not a weakness or a personality flaw. It is a human signal, and science is finally catching up to what women have known in their bodies for years. 

In this blog I’ve shared the research about what loneliness actually is. What it is not. Why it’s not good for mental or physical health. What we can do to overcome it. Why it was important for me to explore. If this is something that you have been feeling too, then I invite you to read on.

Loneliness is a biological signal, not a failure

Humans are wired for connection. When a connection is missing, the body registers it as a form of stress. Research now shows that chronic loneliness and social isolation are associated with increased risks for anxiety, depression, cardiovascular disease, cognitive decline, and even early mortality.

In 2023, the U.S. Surgeon General formally declared loneliness and social isolation a public health crisis, stating that lack of social connection can be as harmful to health as smoking or obesity (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2023).

This matters because so many women internalize loneliness as something they should fix alone. Loneliness is not a personal failure. It is an unmet human need.  It was something that was happening to me but I could not put my finger on what it was. Until I did.

Why loneliness often shows up after 40

Midlife is a season of quiet upheaval:

• children grow or leave

• caregiving roles change and/or expand

• work identities shift

• bodies and hormones change

• friendships thin, not because of conflict, but because of time

Research on midlife women shows that emotional exhaustion and isolation often stem from the accumulation of roles and responsibilities, not from lack of effort or resilience (Hagqvist et al., 2024).  Many women are giving deeply, without receiving connection that nourishes them in return. They have more responsibilities than ever before. Women live in challenging times and have to navigate all of that and support everyone, and at times, it's too much for one human.

Loneliness affects the nervous system

Loneliness doesn’t just affect mood. It affects the nervous system. When we feel disconnected, the brain interprets it as a threat state. This can increase stress hormones, heighten vigilance, and make the body feel tense, tired, or emotionally raw. Over time, this stress response can contribute to inflammation and emotional dysregulation.  Social connection, on the other hand, is one of the most powerful regulators of the nervous system. Safe relationships help signal to the body: you are not alone; you are safe  (HHS, 2023).

Small reconnections matter more than big social plans

Connection doesn’t require a large friend group or constant socializing. What matters is quality, safety, and consistency.

Here are three small, science-aligned reconnection practices:

• One honest message to someone you trust

• One weekly ritual (walk, call, tea, class)

• One place where you can be yourself without explanation

These small acts of connection can begin to soften the stress response and restore a sense of belonging.

My personal story

It may have begun with the unexpected, and far too soon, death of my dad.  After that loss, something inside me quietly unraveled. My health began to slip. My emotional footing felt shaky. In hindsight, it probably would have been a good time to start therapy. But I didn’t. Instead, I did what so many of us do: I pushed the grief down and kept going.

No one around me seemed to be feeling what I was feeling, so I learned to carry it alone. I cried in private. I felt overwhelmed more often than I let on. And life just… kept moving forward.

On the outside, I looked fine. More than fine, actually. I was a successful leader in the nonprofit world, showing up, performing, and trying to be everything to everyone. Until I couldn’t anymore.

Over time, everything began to shift. My jobs changed. My relationships changed. My health changed. I wasn’t needed in the same ways by the people around me, and I didn’t understand why. I thought it was me. I kept asking myself, What am I doing wrong? I couldn’t see past that question.

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment when I finally stopped and looked around, but I remember the realization clearly when it came. I was alone. I was isolated. I had become invisible. Somewhere along the way, I had lost the essence of who I was.

What I missed most, what I had always needed, was connection.  Connection to lifelong friends. To my immediate family. To my own health and well-being. Connection to nature, to travel, to hobbies, to shared experiences, and togetherness. One by one, those connections had quietly slipped out of my life.

So, I began to listen.  I made a plan, not to become someone new, but to reclaim what had been set aside. My essence had never truly left; it had simply been shelved somewhere deep inside, patiently waiting. And now, it was making enough noise that I couldn’t ignore it anymore.

In the end, we made a bold decision. We uprooted ourselves as a family (some, not all) and moved to a place that offered the connections I needed, truthfully, the connections all of us needed, even if some of us didn’t realize it at the time.

The change wasn’t instant. It was slow and gentle. But over time, something shifted. Within me. Within my family. I felt more whole. More grounded. More present. We gathered more. We created memories. We laughed more. We hugged more. And in that reconnection, to each other, to our surroundings, to ourselves, I found my way back.  It hasn’t been perfect. And it is still far from perfect. But what I do have now is a community. Family, friends, and more. It makes handling the other stuff easier knowing I have a safety net and that I am not alone.

What I didn’t understand then, but science now confirms, is that loneliness doesn’t just hurt emotionally; it quietly reshapes the body, the nervous system, and our sense of safety in the world.

Reframing connection as self-care

We often treat connection as optional, something we’ll get to after everything else is handled.  But connection is not a luxury. It is foundational care.  If you’ve been feeling lonely, the invitation is not to judge yourself, but to gently ask:  Where do I feel most like myself? Who do I feel safe being honest with?

If this resonated with you, please share it with one woman you love.  And if you’re longing for a steadier connection or guidance, you’re not alone. I’m here, and this is exactly why I do this work. Reach out to me. Reach out to a friend or family member. Reach out to a community group. Join my FREE Membership Group.

Key Scientific Sources

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation (2023).

Hagqvist et al. Women’s experiences of exhaustion in midlife. BMC Public Health (2024).

Holt-Lunstad J. Social connection and health. Perspectives on Psychological Science (2023).